2019:52 (Turning A Page)

At the beginning of 2019, I made a list of things I wanted to accomplish in the coming year. Most folks make resolutions, but I realized that that was too firm of a demand on my own accountability. The word “goals” was much more palatable for me, and though some goals went unrealized, I was able to reach a few on my list. One of my goals is being fully realized with the writing of this specific post. 

I wanted to post to my blog, once a week, every week, for the entire year. I do see the degree of absurdity in maintaining a blog of any sort in the last year of this crazy decade. I cut my internet teeth in decades past, and was consumed by the great blogging crazy of the mid-aughts. But as the years flew by, and I began to take my photographic work more seriously (which included creating this website about five years ago) I realized the value of having a repository for my thoughts here, as opposed to succumbing completely to the whims of the social media platforms I detest but can’t seem to ignore or abandon completely.

Speaking of social media… I keep coming close to deleting my Facebook account, but I realize that it is the only way I stay connected with a certain number of important people in my life. I also admit that I would not be as culturally, politically, or social aware of broad trends if I was not on the privacy and soul sucking entity that is Facebook. However, with the demise of the Latent Image Collective, I had one less excuse to jump on the platform. Still, out of boredom, mostly, I still find myself scrolling through the virtual lives of people that I only virtually know, peppering my feed with “likes” or “loves.” I don’t know what the value is, really. I convince myself that it is a necessary evil, and that I need to be on Facebook in order to bring my creative work to as wide an audience as possible, including those rare but appreciated folks who opened their wallets to financial support my books and exhibits this past year. But I still drift away and back again, and I suspect that at some point I may take the drastic step of having my wife change my password so I can’t log in every freaking day. I also continue to wrestle with Instagram, but somehow rationalize it’s use because it is a photo-based platform. But the chasing of ‘likes” gets so tiring after a while, and I need to be able to see the value in my own work without the need of constant, external validation, most of which means nothing more than catching the eye of a few dozen scrollers. Resolution of this issue is TBD.

One of the benefits of a weekly posting on my blog has been that I can remember where my brain was at different points in the year. It was a nice exercise in pondering my work, my interests, my travel, my book purchases, my book publishing, my exhibitions, my health, my successes, my failures, my moments of joy, my moments of pain and sadness. There’s been plenty of all of it. Such is life. It also gives me a sense of achievement to know I was able to keep up this challenge for a full year… though some weeks were a struggle to come up with something relevant to share. Other weeks I felt like I was sharing too much of myself, but I wanted to take this exercise seriously. And I wanted to be honest, truthful, earnest when I posted. I fear the world lacks this kind of revealing of one’s real thoughts and feelings. The perfectly curated life on social media is damaging to our collective psyche, and I hope that some of ramblings here have shown someone (anyone) else that it’s ok to share your thoughts in this manner. Which leads me to yet another question. Who actually reads these posts of mine? I do see that there has been an uptick in traffic to my website via this blog, but I have no idea who you are, what you think, or even why you came to this site to begin with. I am grateful for any attention given to my photos and my words, but this exercise is still a selfish one, and I think regardless of who sets their eyes on it, I must continue to try to find a way to express myself. This blog will most likely continue into 2020… I’m not sure if it will be weekly, I’m not sure if it will be a quasi-diary, or what else it might entail.

I am happy to have had the opportunity to show my photos in several exhibitions this year. I am especially proud of sharing the walls at UNM with my four compatriots from the Tuesday Night Photobook Nerds hangout that happens every week at the High and Dry Brewery. The friendship and support I get from these gatherings have sustained me through some rocky moments over the past twelve months. I was also very proud of the “River, Ocean, Sea” exhibition that I shared with Fabio and Hean Kuan in the late summer here in Albuquerque. It was a fitting swansong for my time in the Latent Image Collective, and it was a true manifestation of the collaborative spirit that brought the group together in the first place. Lastly, my year was bookended by having my photos shown in Naples, Italy, at the Magazzini Fotografici. It was a dream of mine to have my work shown internationally, and it was so satisfying to have that dream realized.

The year is ending, and so is the decade. There has been so much tumult in the world, I can only hope that sanity and love can overcome the wave after wave of pain, hatred, war, division and death that seems to be in abundance lately. I am also aware that the world will continue on its path regardless of my input or concern, but that will not prevent me from trying to bring goodness, joy, love and art into it. I’ve embraced the existential aspects of my personality with gusto this year. I’ve experienced moments of transcendence, and also moments of extreme darkness. But I also learned lessons that will carry me forward, to enlighten my path, and to inspire me to keep creating. While I breathe, there is hope. 

Thank you for spending time with me here over the past twelve months.

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2019: 51 (Thank You)

Things are winding down, and the holidays are upon us. I am nearing the end of one full year of weekly blog posting, and realize that next week will be the big wrap up for the year (and the decade.) In the meantime, in no particular order, I’d like to thank a bunch of people, places and things that had a positive influence on my life and my work over the past twelve months.

Thank you Jesse. Thank you to my family. Thank you Tuesday Night Photobook Nerds: Justin, Brian, Dan, Roberto and Tyler. Thank you (and r.i.p.) Latent Image Collective: Karen, Fabio, Francesco, JM, Jeff, Connie, Shelly, Jola, Negar, Hean Kuan and Eden. Thank you Kent. Thank you Clarke. Thank you Magazzini Fotografici: Yvonne, Roberta, Valeria, and Rosella. Thank you Mauro. Thank you UNMH. Thank you Dr. Nir. Thank you Tom. Thank you Deborah. Thank you Fluoxotine. Thank you Lisinopril. Thank you CBD oil. Thank you Kristina. Thank you Luz. Thank you Adriene. Thank you pilates and yoga. Thank you YouTube. Thank you RK Venture: Richard, Dianne, Rachel, Becky, Mario, Mario, Lee, Nichole and Pablo. Thank you The Infirmary: Katy, Emily, Jill, Jenae, Hayden, Robb and Charles. Thank you Santa Fe Improv: Kita, Scott, Kirste, Rachel, Eric, John, Katrina, David, Pamela, Grace, Patrick, Adam, Evan, Michael, Brian, Benjamin and Gabe. Thank you Lindsay. Thank you Sean. Thank you Akash. Thank you Alice. Thank you Jeff. Thank you Cliff. Thank you Andy. Thank you Alan and Larry. Thank you Andrew and Stephanie. Thank you Yosh and Rebecca. Thank you Luciano. Thank you Gerhardt. Thank you Rocky. Thank you George. Thank you Matt. Thank you Sean. Thank you Dan. Thank you David. Thank you David and Nikelle. Thank you Phil.  Thank you A Small Voice. Thank you WTF. Thank you This American Life. Thank you A Candid Frame. Thank you Anthropocene Reviewed. Thank you B&H Photography podcast. Thank you Nick Cave. Thank you Big Thief. Thank you Netflix. Thank you Great British Baking Show. Thank you Silicon Valley. Thank you John Oliver. Thank you Magcloud. Thank you Adobe Lightroom. Thank you Spotify. Thank you Sirius XMU. Thank you Fellini. Thank you Japan. Thank you Kodak, Ilford and Fujifilm. Thank you Canon, Ricoh and Leica. Thank you Olympus Pen EE-S. Thank you Apple. Thank you Upslope Brewing. Thank you Dogfish Head. Thank you Marble Double White. Thank you rye, sake and eau de vie. Thank you Ruthie’s Bagels, and Zabar’s. Thank you pizza. Thank you Taco Tuesday. Thank you Roto Rooter. Thank you Just Sprinklers. Thank you Lyft. Thank you struffoli. Thank you Mary and Tito’s, Duran’s, Garcia’s, Farina, Thai 2, Golden Pride, Twisters, Jersey Mike’s, Ta Lin, Cafe Da Lat, Naruto Ramen, Freestyle Photo, Picture Perfect, Whole Foods, Jubilations, High and Dry, Humble Coffee. Goodbye Robert and Bob.

2019: 50 (Double Exposure)

Shooting film. I just can’t stop. I had a roll of black and white film that I had exposed during a series of drives up to Santa Fe earlier this autumn, and it had been sitting on my desk for at least a month since I finished it. In a moment of impulsive thinking, I decided that the photos on it were probably unremarkable. I though maybe I would throw caution to the wind and do a bit of double exposure experimentation. So I threw the exposed roll into my changing bag and pulled out the film leader tab, the resealed the roll into a new canister. All ready for another run through my Ricoh GR1. Since I was heading down to the bosque with my half-frame camera anyway, I decided a quick burst of a roll in the Ricoh was doable. No thinking, just shooting. Thankfully, I have a dependable local film lab that runs black and white film a couple of times a week. (Shout out to Picture Perfect.) So I didn’t have to wait long to see the results. I ended up doing the scanning myself, since I didn’t want to have the lab struggle with a lack of clearly defined image frames. Turns out my alignment wasn’t too far off, and the double exposures created some interesting looks. Nothing stupendous, but a fun exercise nonetheless. It can feel liberating to shoot a roll with such abandon. Knowing that things would most likely end up as a series of visual chaos can be a fun escape from the pressure and preciousness imparted on every shot I usually take. Plus there are moments of pure serendipity, where two images combine to create something completely new and unique. Might not be a regular approach for me, but every once in a while it will certainly shake things up for me.

2019: 49 (Observations)

I don’t know why, but it took me far too long to realize we are coming to the end of a decade. Ten years seems to have gone by so fast, as it does when you get older. Maybe when you’re younger, too? Once you slip from the bonds of the regimented seasonal / annual scheduling that school provides, and the ‘real world’ in all its shapes and forms throws you onto a treadmill… days, weeks, years seem to go by at a more rapid clip.

We’re at that time of year to reflect upon what has come, where we are, where we want to go. I’ve been dancing around these thoughts more deeply lately… I guess my existentialism is growing, fully developing into my modus operandi. I’ve been working on being present, feeling the here and now. The past is gone, the future is the future, all we have is now. All we ever have is now. Which feels at odds with my life as a photographer. I seize moments with our cameras, but what do they become? Tangible manifestations of past moments, memories caught in proverbial amber (or pixels, or grains of silver halide.) We gaze at our pasts through photos, equally as much as we do with actual memories. And what about the future? We plan, we prepare, we gird ourselves for an unknowable future, for me, with a camera in my hand. I plan trips to come. Locations to shoot. Projects to undertake and complete. Or not. Books to create. Photos to post. Website to update. Dreams to dream. Fantasies to entertain. Scenarios to imagine. Fears to avoid. Or face. Anxiety to dive deep into. Joys to find. Love to give, and to receive. What a mix we make in our minds. What a stew simmering in my own mind.

I know that over the next few weeks, when the holidays kick into overdrive, my melancholy will most likely shift to a more peaceful, middle ground, (a neutral gray) punctuated by moments of joy, of laughter. I know this to be true because even in my darkest moments, these gifts have somehow always arrived. Small bottles of hope that somehow wash up on the shore. This is a natural time of reflection, of course. A double whammy this year as we bid the “Teens” their farewell. 2020 is coming. The metaphor of perfect vision that looms on the horizon. What will I focus on? What will you? For me, this: It is today. It is now.

2019: 47 (Goodbye, Polaroid)

I have long held a deep appreciation for Polaroid film and cameras. Even back in the 80s, I had a Polaroid Spectra as part of my image making arsenal. About five years ago, inspired by Patti Smith, I purchased a beautiful Polaroid 360 camera off of Ebay… with a sharp glass lens and Zeiss viewfinder. It’s a thing of beauty. And as of today, it’s a beautiful paperweight in my office. A couple of years a go, Fujifilm decided to stop making their peel-part film, the only instant film that would still work in this camera. Immediately prices on a 10-pack of film started to creep up. What once cost 8 or 9 bucks on Amazon slowly increased in cost. Today, a box can fetch well over $50 on Ebay (and since it’s not being made anymore, folks are buying up expired stock.)

I decided that once my stockpile was gone, I would retire the camera for good. That moment arrived this past week. I took the 360 down to the bosque, and shot off my last 10 sheets. The whole process was over in about 30 minutes. I didn’t belabor the ending, shooting freely, and quickly. Fittingly, the absolutely last exposure to come out of the camera got jammed, and as I jimmied the camera back open to release the sheet of film, I unintentionally fogged the last exposure. Upon peeling, it reveals a wonderful gradient of pale blue within its signature white frame.

Unlike the Impossible Project / Polaroid Originals resurrection of the other instant film formats, I seriously doubt we’ll see another company pick up the mantle and large scale produce this specific kind of instant film. Dying formats are a sad reality in the world of film photography. Thankfully, renewed interest in film photography in general has brought back other films, and I will happily continue to run rolls of 35mm or 120 film through the rest of my camera collection. Still, I will miss the excitement of taking a shot with my old 360, waiting those seconds before peeling apart the packet to reveal the one-of-a kind image I just captured. Sic transit gloria Polaroid.

2019: 46 (Patience)

Nothing is static. Nothing is permanent. Seasons change. A reminder.

2019: 45 (Breathing Lessons)

To frequent readers of this blog, it will come as no surprise that I have a deep fondness for the Rio Grande bosque that cuts through the middle of Albuquerque; a ribbon of life in the middle of the dry desert. It seems whenever I need space to clear my head, a wander through the bosque usually does the trick. In recent years, I’ve focused my cameras on that environment, and it has provided an endless amount of inspiration and creative fulfillment. So much so that I am undertaking a new long-term project, returning to the bosque once a month to document the changes of the seasons, across the span of a year.

What the visits to the bosque also do for me is to allow me to let go, and deeply exhale. Not only in the literal sense, but also in a spiritual way. Recently I’ve been working hard to reconnect with myself; with my body and with my mind. Realizing that life depends on breathing, I’ve been using the focus on my breath to be the foundation for a renewed sense of mindfulness. Frequent yoga has been helping as well. These things are my attempt to stay grounded. I am grateful for each breath I can take, as well as for every visit I can make to the bosque.

2019: 43 (Close To The Edit)

Going deep into the edit for my next project. The question isn’t “what to include” but instead “what to exclude.” Also contemplating how I want to present the final body of work. Looking at something unique, intimate, personal, and of course…nostalgic.

2019: 42 (Back To The Bosque)

Going to the bosque of the Rio Grande here in Albuquerque never fails to inspire me. It also slows me down, allows me to decompress, and get out of my own head for a while. A recent jaunt with my new half-frame camera ignited thoughts of a new project… ideas are percolating. One day, 72 exposures, a lot less thinking, a lot more shooting. More to come.

2019: 41 (Contact Sheets | Half-frame Camera)

Shooting film is always a roll of the dice. You don’t know what you’ve captured on film until days (or weeks) later, after you’ve gotten your film processed. During my recent trip to Japan, I bought an old Olympus Pen EE-S, a half-frame film camera, on the first day of the trip. To those of you who are unfamiliar, a half-frame camera exposes only half of the usual 35mm film frame. Instead of 36 frames, the camera yields a whopping 72 photos per roll. An added bonus (or challenge) to using this camera is that the images are formatted vertically (as you can see on the contact sheet above.) So when I bought the camera, I had to trust that it was functioning properly. I knew I wasn’t going to see the results of this experience until I returned back home… so if the camera wasn’t working properly, I’d be shit out of luck, and there would be no opportunity to re-shoot the photos.

Here’s another curveball I needed to deal with. I wanted the film not only developed, but printed as contact sheets. Not a digitally layout of all the frame scans, but an actual, darkroom printed, contact sheet. I’m betting most of you reading this have never gotten a real contact sheet made. You lay the strips of film on a sheet of photo paper, expose it under the light of an enlarger, and then run that paper through photo chemistry. The result is what you see above. A nice way to judge all the photos from one roll of film. I actually had to ship my film to a lab in New York City to get this done (full disclosure, I also had them scan the film so I could have digital version for social media, etc.)

When the package finally arrived this week, I was relieved and excited to see the results. First off, the camera worked like a charm. Sure there were a couple of dud frames, mostly due to my bad skills at framing a moving subject, or not paying attention to the zone focus adjuster on the front of the lens. Otherwise though, the exposures look pretty much spot on. The exposure is controlled by a selenium meter on the front of the lens (see image below) which then adjusts the shutter speed to give a properly exposed image. The camera was made in the 1960s, so I was dubious whether it would function properly. If it didn’t work, I paid for an expensive, albeit very attractive, paperweight. Thankfully, my fears were not realized, and I have two rolls of memories from my trip.

This little gem of a camera… small, lightweight, and easy to use will most likely be in my pocket no matter what or where I decide to shoot next. It will be a unique addition to any other digital or film camera I might decide to use.

The wonderful Olympus Pen EE-S half-frame film camera. A thing of beauty and simplicity.